Does Wayne Rooney Actually Exist?

Reports surfaced over the weekend that Manchester United falling star Wayne Rooney could still be transferred before the Chinese Super League transfer deadline on February the 28th.

The 31-year-old player, affectionately nicknamed ‘Rooney’ by the United faithful, has not started a Premier League game for the club since mid-December, and despite becoming the Red Devil’s all-time record goal scorer has only managed two goals, so far, this season.

Rooney is keen to secure regular first team football in an effort to prolong his international career, and is reported to be interested in pursuing the interest in him from clubs in China. However, sources at Old Trafford are unable to confirm whether Mr. Rooney knows that China is not actually in Europe.

Many Chinese Super League teams, including big spending Beijing Guoan and Guangzhou Evergrande Taobao, expressed interest in signing Wayne Rooney during the English January transfer window, so news that the player is now ready to move may spark a serious bidding war. A deal that could easily top somewhere around the £35 million a year mark, could well prove be a carrot too juicy for the striker to refuse.

Rooney is already a cult figure in the far east having been the face of Mr. Potato Head Crisps since 2013. However, the one snag that is preventing Rooney from making what is sure to be a money spinning final career move is the fact that the financial muscle sanctioning any such move simply do not believe that Wayne Rooney is a real person.

A Chinese Super League insider who wished to remain anonymous, commented that,
‘The problem is that teams in the Chinese Super League are financed by businessmen who know little or nothing about football. They simply will not accept that someone that looks so much like a potato is an actual living human being.’

In a sense, Rooney is a victim of his own success; had he not agreed to the advertising campaign for Mr. Potato Crisps then he would still be a relatively unknown quantity to the Chinese money men. However, Rooney’s face & head is as recognisable as Mickey Mouse in China as it was used to front a multi-national advertising campaign encompassing countries including China, Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, Cambodia, Japan, Korea, China, Vietnam, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, Paraguay, and Peru. Rooney is even the face of Mr. Potato-Head Crisps in Saudi Arabia & the United Arab Emirates where, under their strict Sharia Law, impersonating a vegetable is punishable by death! A fatwa is still allegedly declared on Gary Lineker simply because his ears resemble two oversized Walker’s Crisps.

From a Manchester United point of view, sorting out the confusion as to the existence of Wayne Rooney and sanctioning a move to China sooner rather than later, would make sound financial sense, as the player still has eighteen months left on his contract and could therefore still elicit a significant fee.

United manager Jose Mourinho, is also said to be keen on securing Rooney’s exit, having become ‘disillusioned’ with the player following a half-time bust up during the crunch league fixture between United & Liverpool in January. Sources reported that Mourinho having just explained a complicated change in formation involving a continual switching of attack formation to draw out a compact & committed Liverpool back four; the manager then opened up the discussion to the players, asking if they had any questions. It is at this point that Rooney is reported to have then inquired if Mr. Mourinho knew where babies came from.