Is De Gea a Keeper?

Rumour has it that United are considering a swoop for newly relegated Jermaine Defoe, offering him the Premier League lifeline of a one-year contract. The rationale behind the proposed transfer is that Defoe would be able to provide both competition and education for the teenage prodigy Marcus Rashford who Mourinho apparently views as the future of the United attack. Defoe apparently has an apartment not far from where Rashford lives and so would also be able to drive him to work when he inevitably loses his licence.

However, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic sidelined with serious knee ligament damage and, besides that, stalling on signing an extension to his current deal, the Red Devils will also be looking to strengthen the forward line in the summer break. Romelu Lukaku has been linked with United over the last few months, but with Everton seeking a reported £100 million for the Belgian striker this looks increasingly unlikely. Mourinho, however is said to be considering an attractive ‘cash plus player’ deal comprising diehard Evertonian Wayne Rooney plus around £110 million.

In other transfer speculation, sources close to United goalkeeper, David (De quiff) De Gea, have said that he is definitely, that is – DEFINITELY – going to sign for Real Madrid in the summer, adding that his move to the Galacticos is a done deal and nothing can stop it now… except maybe some late paperwork. De Gea is reported to be 100% committed to transferring to Madrid…well maybe nearer to 87-90% committed.

Following a 1980’s movie binge including Back to the Future (parts 1 & 2) and The Blues Brothers, Jose Mourinho is said to have enquired about signing Leicester goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel as a replacement for the ever-so-slowly departing De Gea. There are also rumblings around Europe that the deal for De Gea may involve a player swap, with the name ‘Ronaldo’ being mentioned by certain sources (although it is uncertain at this time whether this refers to the 2016 Ballon d’Or winner or the fat Brazilian who used to be quite good). At a hastily convened press conference in the early hours of Sunday morning, the manager formerly known as the Special One, informed the assembled press and punters in ‘The Horse & Jockey’ public house,

‘I’m putting the band back together…’ The manager is then said to have paused momentarily to take a large swig from a bottle of Grand Marnier before adding, ‘… I’m on a mission from god.’