Superhuman Zlatan

Sources inform that Zlatan Ibrahimovic has made an almost miraculous recovery from a knee injury that would have ended the career of players half his age. So, what is his secret? Witchcraft? Voodoo? Alien technology? Desky Lewis investigates the big Swedish freak of nature.

Born in a region of Sweden with gravity far greater than anywhere else on Earth is what is generally considered to have imbued Zlatan Ibrahimovic with his incredible physical capabilities including almost superhuman levels of strength, durability and stamina and healing ability. Ibrahimovic, as a biological entity, is almost implausible given the parameters of his abilities on the football field.
Under the effects of normal gravity, Ibrahimovic’s reflexes are many times faster than his fellow players; Zlatan is reported to have the ability to catch a speeding bullet (although this assertion has never been independently verified by Barclays Premier League observers).

Due to his denser muscle and bone tissues, Zlatan is almost invulnerable to conventional injuries and is also reputed to be impervious to small arms fire. In addition, Zlatan’s denser musculature gives him the ability to move far greater weights than most, run as fast as a moving car and jump as high as a small to medium height building. Possession of far superior muscular strength and control than most of humanity can help explain the increased perspicacity of both Zlatan’s microscopic and telescopic vision, and, consequently, his ability to see passes that other players cannot.

Many have tried to rationalize Zlatan’s powers, but the fundamental energy source to explain how he powers his abilities continues to defy scientific description and, indeed, the laws of physics. Scientists have suggested that Zlatan may have the ability to absorb the energy created by cheering fans into his body which he is able to store for later use. But, physiologically speaking, just how Ibrahimovic is able to store this energy remains a scientific mystery.